When two people care enough about one another, and decide to live together – whether marrying or not – it can be a very exciting time. Nowadays, it is often the case that one partner already has children, but planning his or her role in the new family group may be overlooked. It may be taken for granted that he or she will adapt happily to the new arrangement.
For the best chance of a newly-formed family to work well, the future step-parent should be aware of the pitfalls and how to dodge around them. Some careful planning is needed, together with understanding how the children are likely to feel and react when they start living with two adults rather than one.
The Step-Children's Position
During their time in a single-parent family, the children will probably have settled comfortably into a framework where relationships are clearly established. Parental attention may be readily available, and routines firmly in place. Then, sometimes without warning, another adult enters the picture, claiming much of the parent's attention and causing disruption.
Here are some reasons their feathers may be ruffled.
These factors will probably result in the children appearing to dislike the newcomer. However, it may not be personal, but more a reflection of the threat of change. To protect their bond with their parent, here's what they might do.
How to Prepare the Ground for a Happy Step-Family
Each problem that arises needs tackling in its own way. However, here are some general approaches that should help.
Moving in with an established family group is always going to be a challenge for all concerned. But with care, planning, sensitivity and persistence, the new family dynamic should turn out to be really rewarding.
For the best chance of a newly-formed family to work well, the future step-parent should be aware of the pitfalls and how to dodge around them. Some careful planning is needed, together with understanding how the children are likely to feel and react when they start living with two adults rather than one.
The Step-Children's Position
During their time in a single-parent family, the children will probably have settled comfortably into a framework where relationships are clearly established. Parental attention may be readily available, and routines firmly in place. Then, sometimes without warning, another adult enters the picture, claiming much of the parent's attention and causing disruption.
Here are some reasons their feathers may be ruffled.
- Any change to a comfortable arrangement will be viewed with suspicion; there may be much to lose.
- They may wildly but subconsciously fear that their parent's affection and attention will be lost for ever.
- They may even wonder if they will "lose" this parent as they have already "lost" the other.
- An in-coming adult may stop them from doing things they enjoy, and make them do others they hate.
- New rules are likely to be made, often not to their advantage.
- If they have been manipulative with their parent, they may lose the benefit of getting what they want.
- They are at first unlikely to foresee any obvious benefits to the new arrangement.
These factors will probably result in the children appearing to dislike the newcomer. However, it may not be personal, but more a reflection of the threat of change. To protect their bond with their parent, here's what they might do.
- Try to disrupt the relationship as soon as they notice that it is growing. Children are quick to realise that "something is going on," and then to react.
- Behaviour may become less cooperative and more challenging, especially when the step-parent is around.
- "I don't have to listen to you. You're not my mum/dad."
- Either refuse gifts from the step-parent, or accept them and trash them.
How to Prepare the Ground for a Happy Step-Family
Each problem that arises needs tackling in its own way. However, here are some general approaches that should help.
- It's very important not to rush the relationship with the future step-children, but to allow it to develop slowly and cautiously. Get to know them gradually, and don't allow them to find you've stayed overnight in their home until they are very comfortable with you being around.
- Accept the children's position as described above, and don't take it personally.
- Try to avoid losing your temper with them, however awkward they're being.
- Don't exert firm discipline without your partner there, and then only by prior agreement.
- Encourage your partner to reassure the children frequently that he/she will still love them just as he/she always has done.
- Take an interest in what the children are doing, but don't insist on getting too involved in their activities. Help with homework only if they ask.
- Take a non-judgmental interest in their absent parent, and encourage contact if appropriate.
- Giving them gifts may please the children in the short term, but it won't cement your relationship. They will see them as a bribe. There's more mileage in just listening, chatting, and having fun.
- Very importantly, make sure that they still have plenty of time with just their parent, including outings.
Moving in with an established family group is always going to be a challenge for all concerned. But with care, planning, sensitivity and persistence, the new family dynamic should turn out to be really rewarding.
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